Re: [Discuss-sudbury-model] parenting teens

From: <>
Date: Tue Sep 28 15:54:01 2004

Hi, Ann,
This reminds me of some of my own concerns. It occurs to me that you let your husband make the decision and then you weren't happy with his decision, regardless of whether he was right or not. You could have made the decision yourself and said it had to be 10, period, and, regardless of whether that was "right", they would have to abide by it, because your feelings count. What occurs to me is that it all turns on my feelings, intuitions, anxieties, etc. My husband is always more relaxed about things like this. Either my feelings about things are important and respected and people abide by the implications etc. or I have to be willing to change my feelings with EFT or counseling or biofeedback or something, on the assumption that my concerns are exaggerated. This is not a solution to your problem, obviously, just some thoughts I have had about the problem of anxieties about children -- including younger children testing their wings -- which has troubled me a lot.
Best regards,

----- Original Message -----
From: Ann Ide <>
Date: Tuesday, September 28, 2004 1:38 pm
Subject: [Discuss-sudbury-model] parenting teens

> Hi everyone,
> Just when you think you're getting the hang of it, a new stage
> comes along, right ? My son is now 14, and I'm feeling like I
> don't know how to make judgement calls as his parent anymore. As
> a Sudbury Valley kid, he has grown to expect trust at school and
> at home. So far, I haven't had a problem with giving it to him.
> But now he is beginning to ask for trust where I am not so sure it
> is okay. For example, he had 5 friends sleepover here over the
> weekend, ages 12-13. After dark,they wanted to walk down to the
> neighborhood center and hang out ( where there is a pizza shop,
> dunkin donuts, etc. ). Around 10 pm, when they still weren't
> home, I sent my husband out to look for them. He came back saying
> they said they would be home by midnight. They were just hanging
> around and talking; and he was fine with it. He did it when he
> was a kid, roaming all over. I was not okay with it. We live in
> a very safe neighborhood. I don't think I am concerned about them
> being approached or attacked, altho' they could meet up with other
> kids looking for trouble; but unlikely around here. Still......
> I have read that the part of the brain that is responsible for
> judgement isn't fully developed until much later in life; and that
> is one reason why so many teenagers make "mistakes". They are
> convinced they know what they're doing. ( I think teenagers are
> convinced they know everything else, too. I did! Must be the
> hormone surges.) Anyway, I know that to learn judgement one needs
> to exercise it and learn through experience; but how far do I go
> to allow that to happen.
> Some parents allow the girls and boys to sleep in the same room on
> coed sleepovers; otrhers don't. I'm sure more things will show
> up. What criteria do I use in deciding how much to let my
> teenager make his own decisions; and when do I intervene? And, if
> I do, how do I do it without resentment ? So often it is just an
> intangible comfort zone, without any rational reason to
> articulate.
> What have you folks learned ?
> Thanks,
> Ann Ide
Received on Tue Sep 28 2004 - 15:53:14 EDT

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