DSM: RE: Re: sudbury in the home

From: Joseph Moore (joseph@ivorycc.com)
Date: Wed Dec 05 2001 - 13:17:53 EST


Yes, this is a good issue. Couple things, in my humble and humbling
experience:
 
1) It's going to take time, and be a bit hit or miss, because the
parent/child relationship is so heavily loaded for both good and bad. We're
trying to make sure our kids have plenty of time to pursue whatever they
want without our interference or pressure. On a day-to-day basis, it's so
difficult to see where the line between prudent parenting and just bossing
one's kids around lies - so, while not excusing ourselves from the absolute
requirement that we treat our kids as full, individual people first and
children under our care second, it's more immediately successful (at least,
I think it is) to make sure we (and any other authority figures) are just
out of their faces a good bit of the time. Diablo Valley School is a big
part of this, but we try to do it at home as well.
 
2) We do family meetings as well, supposedly weekly, but in practice about
once every 2 weeks. Now that our oldest is 10, the meetings are starting to
get more interesting. Still waiting for the time when the kids use their 4
to 2 majority to vote us old folks down. That would be cool.
 
3) Delightfully and contrary to my gut-level received expectations, the kids
are quite responsible. Just last night, I was basking in satisfaction as the
4 year old cleared the dinner table, wiped it down and shoved the chairs
back in place, happily humming to herself while her 8 year old sister helped
me with the dishes. The kids take turns, and they really own these tasks,
and get satisfaction out of them - way different from my experiences as a
child. Another thing that comes to light is where we, the parents, are not
so responsible - trying to get the kids to pull their fair share of the
cleaning, for example, requires honest assessment of whether *I* are pulling
my fair share. No double standards allowed.
 
4) Finally, at least for me, there's the constant failure - the other day I
rounded up the boys and we all went for haircuts - the 6 year old, who was
having a bad day in general, didn't want to go and threw a little fit - I
harangued him until he complied. Then, I'm sitting at the hair cutters and -
what was I thinking? It's *their* hair! They could shave it off or dye it
purple, or - more to the point - let it get as long as they want. How could
I not see what a bully I was being in the name of a stupid haircut that was
none of my business anyway? Deep breath, start over!
 
Joseph

-----Original Message-----
From: Ann Ide [mailto:ann.ide@rcn.com]
Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2001 5:42 PM
To: discuss-sudbury-model@sudval.org
Subject: DSM: Re: sudbury in the home

Hi everyone,
 
Ann Ide here. New to list and SO happy to hear this question! We have been
at SVS since April 2000. We're very comfortable with how the model works at
school; but are still learning how to incorporate it into our home life.
The ongoing question is: when is it really necessary to intervene in our
children's lives? Do we have rules about their eating habits? Our 7 year
old would happily live on bread, juice and junk. Do we let them stay up all
night? Do we let them watch tv all the time they're home? And so on. It's
not so simple. Plus you have to factor in that other people are sharing the
living space. We have family meetings to work out some things. Maybe if we
had them on a regular basis it would be better. Our 11 year old is fine
with the differences between school and home and can understand and accept
our reasonings. Our 7 year old, however, gets very indignant when he can't
have his way about things and will try to prove his "rights", it seems.
We're talking about things like wearing a seatbelt even. And we're far from
being authoritative parents. Anyone come up with a good list of home rules
and regulations and a family version of JC so it's not just the parent
versus child power struggle? Hope you'll post your ideas and experiences on
the list or at least include me, if sent privately. ( Ann.Ide@rcn.com
<mailto:Ann.Ide@rcn.com> )
 
Thanks,
Ann Ide

----- Original Message -----
From: morticia <mailto:medea9mac@surfeu.de> crone
To: discuss-sudbury-model@sudval.org
<mailto:discuss-sudbury-model@sudval.org>
Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2001 2:06 PM
Subject: DSM: sudbury in the home

hello all!
 
i've heard said that this list is meant to discuss the model of education
that is sudbury, got that. for the record, in case this is relevant, i
haven't read any sudbury books - my sm info comes from the net. so,
assuming all families have internal discrepencies, disagreements,
difficulties, and hoping that i'm not being too off-topic, here, i'd like to
ask some sudbury parents:
 
whether and if so, how they *implement* democracy in the home? perhaps it's
not too much to assume that no one attempts the sm in the home to a complete
degree.
 
assuming this is correct, how do your children relate to non-democracy
(partial democracy, whatever) in the home?
 
do you, the parents, attempt democratic solutions, and what are the results?
 
do sudbury kids expect life outside of school to follow the same lines as
within their school? how is the differentiation explained to the children?
 
~morticia~
i don't mind if interested parties prefer to mail me off-list
medea9mac@surfeu.de <mailto:medea9mac@surfeu.de>

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