Re: DSM: Re: role of parents

Bruce Smith (
Thu, 14 Dec 2000 19:36:39 -0700

> I guess part of me wonders if
>this need to seperate from the parent is just part of growing up or is it a
>function of a controlling relationship. In other words, perhaps if I honestly
>give my children a voice, perhaps they will not feel too much of a need to
>separate from me?

I believe that separation is an integral part of growing up -- one might
even say that it constitutes growing up, separating from a position of
complete dependence to one of solid independence.

I suspect that Allan is conflating two concepts: separation and avoidance.
Using myself as an example, I have quite firmly separated from my parents,
both geographically and pyschologically. Although our values are still
essentially similar, the ways in which my parents and I express them take,
superficially, rather contradictory paths. Yet because my relationship with
my parents has remained positive, because they've always striven to respect
my choices, I do not avoid them. In fact, I speak with and visit them

I'm reminded of the saying, which I can't quite recall, that the best way
to ensure your children stay close is to let them wander as far as they

So Allan, I would say that separating is inevitable, but handled well,
doesn't necessarily lead to separation.

>I look forward to more advice and perhaps references to reading material
>you may
>know about related to these topics.

The SVS book _A Clearer View_ contains a chapter on the role of parents
which informed my argument above, and which you might find helpful.


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