Re: DSM: question from Robert

Robert Swanson (
Mon, 20 Nov 2000 01:34:54 -0800

on 11/17/00 2:06 PM, Allan Saugstad at wrote:

> Robert said to me ;
>> In your own sense, is there a wisdom, an instinctive trust in your
>> love for
>> your child that gives yourself permission to let go. Or, do you
>> put the
>> handcuffs on yourself and pop nitroglycerine pills?
> When I watch my children experience the utter joy of being alive, truly
> alive without conditioning, I am inspired. When I feel my own intellect
> telling me that they should stop throwing the book, yelling so loud,
> etc., it is my love and respect for them that hears the folly of my
> words and helps me bite my tongue. So yeah, in a sense, I do need to
> wear handcuffs some of the time, even while love is present. The
> conditioning within me has been there for 33 years, and is not going
> away that easily.
> However, when I truly spend quality time with my kids, that is, I am
> truly playing with them, experiencing with them, thinking only about the
> now, our interaction, and our love, my intellect is nowhere in sight.
> The should nots and must nots don't enter my mind; it's an incredibly
> freeing experience; the greatest lesson I have learned as a parent.
> I still have some problems though. For example, in reality life is very
> busy and the kids often outnumber us, both physically and emotionally. A
> little order or routine seems to help us all. When we try to set up
> rules around cleaning up or regular meal times, we are all happier. The
> kids enjoy being home more when the floor is clean and they can find
> their toys and have room to dance, and the routine of meals brings us
> together to talk and share our day. So in my mind these routines make
> sense in an intellectual way but not in a "heart" way. What do you
> think?
> Allan
Oh joy! I so share that experience of being in the now with children, if
only now and then. So freeing, what fun!

Routines? Yes. My parents did not reinforce routines when I was a kid. It
was the non-routine things we did that were happy. Today, my necessary
routines are a struggle, they represent unhappiness. Yet, I don't believe
there are supposed to be any routines.

The ease of survival together is to be myalinated as our "languages" by age
four. Along with learning english we are to learn something about material
survival, instinctive survival, the joy of cooperation, and subtleties
difficult to put into words. As is, routines seem competitive in nature and
bring up this inner conflict of interests. No, the daily necessities were
meant to happen very easily, with little effort or consciousness, like
throwing a tissue in the waste can. Then, if there were "routines", maybe
they would be for the sake of healing relationships and evolving self.


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